The Rings of the Lord The Unmaking
by Elf-girl-of-Mirkwood
Summary: A messed-up side of the Lord of the Rings


The Rings of the Lord - The Unmaking  
  
Take 1  
  
Narration of Story -  
  
Galadriel: The world is changed. It was discovered to be round when so many thought it was square.. (frantic shuffle of papers) I feel it in the waters, I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air (PJ sneezes). Much that once was is lost. For now none live who remember it. It began with the forging of the Great Rings. Three were given to the elves, immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings.have I said wisest?  
  
PJ: Yes, you did. (munches on some nachos)  
  
Galadriel: Seven to the dwarf-lords: great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls.  
  
And nine. Nine rings were gifted to the race of men, who above all else desire power. For within these rings was bound the strength and will to govern each race. But they were all of them deceived.No you don't say.!  
  
PJ: Say what?  
  
Galadriel (looks at her ring): I thought mine was the most powerful ring.  
  
PJ (shrugs): You have to ask WETA about that.  
  
Galadriel: Right. (starts to walk away)  
  
PJ: Not now. (sighs) Later, during tea break or dinner or something.  
  
(Galadriel narrows her eyes at PJ.)  
  
PJ: Nope, doesn't work on me. (eats nachos)  
  
Galadriel: Oh, for the good of the Golden Wood, I must say I think my powers are fading. Anywho. (flips through the script) Right.For another ring was made. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret a master ring to control all others. Oh, you don't say!!  
  
PJ: I did, now just read on!  
  
Galadriel (frowns in an elegant way): And into this ring he poured his cruelty, his malice, and his will to dominate all life. One Ring to rule them all. Oh no.  
  
PJ: Oh yes!! (rejoices as the producer brings him a bag of chips)  
  
Merry and Pippin (standing behind PJ on stools): When is it our turn? (Everyone ignored them)  
  
Galadriel: One by one, free lands of Middle Earth fell to the power of the ring. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Men and Elves marched against the armies of Mordor. And on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Middle-earth.  
  
PJ (hollering): All right, all the elves and men on the set.! Where do you think you're going? (grabs Merry and Pippin by their collars)  
  
Pippin (kicking as he's dragged away): But we're half elves, see our pointed ears. (holds out his ears)  
  
PJ: Elves, Men and nachos in position! (Everyone looks at him) Uh.Orcs I mean Orcs. (many Orcs lumbled onto the set and took their positions) and where's Sauron? (looks around)  
  
Producer (taps PJ's shoulder): He's already in position, Peter. There, on that fake hill which might collapse if he moves a little more to his right.  
  
PJ: Right, well, no need to worry too much about that, he's going to be dead later anyway. Okay, action!  
  
Elrond (shouts): Tangado haid! Hado i philinn!  
  
A random elf: Eh, what? Huh? (Orcs, Men and Elves start fighting with Merry and Pippin cheering at the sidelines)  
  
Galadriel: Victory was near. But the power of the ring could not be undone.  
  
(Sauron appears in a black cloud and swung his mace.and fell over. He gathers himself up and swung his mace again, into some Orcs.)  
  
PJ (clutching his cap): No, no!! The Men, GET THE MEN!!  
  
Sauron: Which one??? There are so many!  
  
PJ: The King!  
  
Sauron: Where?  
  
The King (steps forward): Here!  
  
Sauron: Okay. (swings his mace and flings him away) (The King hits the ground)  
  
The King: Ow, hey, you in the Baseball league or something? That is some swing.  
  
PJ: Quiet, you! Dead people don't talk.  
  
The King: Oh right. (dies) (Isildur comes up to his father, the King.)  
  
Galadriel: It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that Isildur, son of the king, took up his father's sword.  
  
(Isildur takes up the sword and Sauron comes up and steps on it, breaking it.)  
  
Isildur: Argh! I wanted to keep that as a souvenoir! You.evil. (starts poking Sauron with the broken sword). ring Lord.you!!  
  
Sauron (starts jumping around): I don't think this is in my contract.!  
  
PJ (grins and relaxes in his chair): Now this is interesting.  
  
Sauron (getting mad at Isildur): Why, you mortal!! (reaches out with one hand) (Isildur cuts Sauron's fingers off and then a bright light appeared as the Dark Lord materialized. Sauron was destroyed)  
  
Galadriel: Sauron, the enemy of the Free peoples of Middle-earth, was defeated.  
  
Isildur: Yes!! Woo hoo! (does a victory dance)  
  
PJ: AHEM!!  
  
Isildur (stops dancing): Oh right, the ring.. (picks it up and looks at it in awe)  
  
Galadriel: The ring passed to Isildur, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever. But the hearts of men are easily corrupted. And the ring of power has a will of its own. (Isildur is seen riding on a horse in a forest when some Orcs attacked him. He is in the Great River, dead, with three arrows in his back)  
  
Galadriel: It betrayed Isildur to his death.  
  
Merry and Pippin (sniggles): He deserved it.hehe.  
  
Isildur (looks up from the River): I'll get you two once this scene is over. And what is this water anyway? It's not spring water, is it?  
  
PJ: Spring water? Nah, we're not that good.  
  
Isildur: Okay, just checking. (put his head back in the water)  
  
Galadriel: And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. (the ring floats down the river bed) History became legend; legend became myth. And for two and a half thousand years the ring passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, it ensnared a new bearer.  
  
PJ: You're up, Gollum.  
  
Gollum (appears): Right ,about time too. Can't wait to get my hand on that ring. You don't suppose you can give it to me when this is all over, do you?  
  
PJ: Hmm. (takes out a notepad) No, I don't think so, you are too late. You're no. 413 on the waiting list.  
  
Gollum (grumbles): Great, I can't get to look like a normal hobbit and now I can't even get the ring! Sheesh!  
  
PJ: Whatever. (waves Gollum off) Quiet on the set! Scene starts from Gollum finding the ring and then in his cave.  
  
(Gollum grabs the ring from the river bed ) Gollum: My preciousss.  
  
Galadriel: The ring came to the creature Gollum who took it deep into the tunnels of the Misty Mountains. And there it consumed him.really, it ate him up??  
  
PJ (shrugs): Hey, I don't write the script okay?  
  
Gollum (crouching in the darkness of his cave): It came to me. My own. My love. My own. My Preciousss...  
  
Galadriel: The ring brought to Gollum unnatural long life. For 500 years it poisoned his mind. And in the gloom of Gollum's cave, it waited.for what??  
  
PJ: Will you just read the script?!  
  
Galadriel: Well, certainly since I'm not supposed to turn green yet. Darkness crept back in the forest of the world. Rumour grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear. And the ring of power perceived. It's time had now come.  
  
(The ring was seen falling away from Gollum)  
  
Galadriel: It abandoned Gollum.  
  
Gollum: No, noooooo!!!  
  
PJ: Oh boy, get a grip of yourself.  
  
Galadriel (scowls) : That's not in the script, you! (pokes Gollum with her finger)  
  
Gollum: I don't care! And don't you poke me again.  
  
PJ (rolls his eyes): Can we just keep our fingers to ourselves and also that was not in the script, Gollum. Your mutation must have done something to your hobbit mind.  
  
Merry and Pippin: Ha ha!!  
  
(Gollum goes after them)  
  
Isildur: Hey, wait for me, Gollum! (runs after Merry and Pippin as well)  
  
PJ (sighs): Where did I go wrong?  
  
Galadriel: Well, at least some of us still have our sanity here. (turns back to the scipt) But something happened then, the ring did not intend. It was picked up by the most unlikely creature imaginable.  
  
(Bilbo comes in and is tripped by Gandalf.)  
  
Bilbo (hits the floor on his face): Ouch! Oh hey, a ring.and what do you mean by a most unlikely creature?! (waves a hobbit fist)  
  
Gollum (still running after Merry and Pippin, spots Bilbo with the ring): Lost! My Precious is lost!!!  
  
Galadriel: For the time would soon come when hobbits would shape the fortunes of all.  
  
PJ: And cut! All rightee, that's a wrap. Prepare for the next take. And hey, who took my nachos?!?!  
  
~ End of Take 1~  
  
Take 2  
  
PJ (shouting): All right, places everyone!!  
  
Gandalf (taking a pipe out from his mouth): I must say, old boy that my hearing is perfectly fine. There's no need to shout.  
  
PJ (gesturing at the horse wagon): Gandalf, get into position.  
  
Gandalf: I say what? Speak up, old boy, there's no need to whisper. (Gandalf climbs aboard the wagon)  
  
PJ (to his producer): I think I need my anti-depressant right now.  
  
(Frodo is seen reading a book in the forest.Frodo looks up and suddenly frowns. Then he looks down at his book and turns it the other way around and smiled, satisfied. A singing voice could then be heard somewhere in the distance.)  
  
Gandalf (singing): The Road goes ever on and off.  
  
PJ: It's on and on  
  
Gandalf: I know that. The Road, it's on and on.  
  
PJ: No, no, not like that. The Road, it's not on and on.The Road goes ever on and on!  
  
Gandalf: Well, why didn't you say so? (shakes his head and starts singing) The Road goes ever on and off, Down from the door where it began, Now far ahead the road is gone.and I don't remember the rest of this.  
  
PJ (scowls): That is not the song.  
  
Gandalf: Well, do you want me to sing or do you want me to sing?  
  
PJ (rolls his eyes): Wizards.  
  
Frodo (appears and looks at Gandalf): You're late.  
  
Gandalf: Well, I'm here, aren't I? So what else is new?  
  
Frodo: Hmm.nothing much, I was just getting bored until you came along. (jumps on Gandalf who catches him) It's wonderful to see you Gandalf!!  
  
Gandalf: Is that you or the script speaking?  
  
Frodo: The script.  
  
Gandalf: I had a notion it would come to this.now let's see, oh yes, I wouldn't miss your uncle's..birthday. What's that hobbit's name again?  
  
Frodo: Bilbo.  
  
Gandalf (waves a hand): Ah yes. Bilbo, Frodo, it all sounds the same.  
  
Frodo: So what news of the outside world? I want to know everything.yup, yup. (jumps excitedly in the wagon)  
  
Gandalf: Well, let's see now.Life in the wide world goes on, much as it has this past Age. Full of its own comes and goings. (puffs his pipe) Scarcely aware of the existence of Hobbits. For which I am very thankful.  
  
(Frodo frowns at him.)  
  
Gandalf: It's the script. (They both frown at PJ.)  
  
PJ: What? What did I do?  
  
(They rode off into the Shire. Some hobbits spotted them)  
  
A hobbit: Look! It's Gandalf! (waves)  
  
Gandalf: You don't suppose that if I remove my hat, I would be less obvious?  
  
Frodo: Nah, it's the beard too.  
  
Gandalf: Right, funny thing I couldn't find my razors this morning. Someone must have hid them. (They both frown at PJ.)  
  
PJ: What? What?!?! (takes his first anti-depressant.)  
  
Gandalf (spots hobbits putting up Bilbo's birthday party banner): Ah, the long expected party. So how is your uncle, the old rascal? I hear the party's pretty magnificent.  
  
Frodo (yawning): Oh yeah, it's magnificent all right, not too sure about pretty though.he's already so old and all with wrinkles everywhere.anyway, he's invited half the Shire.  
  
Gandalf (raises his eyebrows): Goodness.  
  
Frodo: I know, the party will be quite astounding.  
  
Gandalf: Oh no, not that, I think I might be running out of pipeweed. (looks at his pipe)  
  
Frodo (not listening to Gandalf): I think he's up to something.  
  
Gandalf: Really?  
  
Frodo: You know something, don't you?  
  
Gandalf: Yes of course, I know that I'm running out of pipeweed.  
  
Frodo: Right, sure. Change the subject. It's so easy for a wizard. Before you came along, we Bagginses were very well thought of.  
  
Gandalf: Hmm..very well thought of.that's kind of hard on my mind for some reason.  
  
Frodo: We never had any adventures or did anything unexpected and we led really boring lives.  
  
Gandalf: Well, then you must be happy for your uncle and me. I didn't really do much, all I did was nudge him all the way to that dragon's lair. Then later I had this severe elbow ache.  
  
Frodo: Well, yeah whatever you did, you're a official peace disturber here.  
  
Gandalf: Nah. (looks at a hobbit who didn't seem too happy at seeing him) What's with him?  
  
Frodo: He's just upset that I get to ride on the wagon, that's all.  
  
(Some hobbit children runs out and after Gandalf's wagon)  
  
Hobbit children: Gandalf! Gandalf's here!! Gandalf! Fireworks, Gandalf... Gandalf!  
  
(They travelled down the road and then Gandalf sets off some fireworks. Hobbit children cheer.)  
  
Frodo: You're a good wizard.  
  
Gandalf: Hey, don't get mushy on me. I just set off the fireworks to see if they would work fine, that's all. It seems like they did. None of the children were blasted off or anything like that, were they?  
  
Frodo: Nope. I'm glad you're back, Gandalf.  
  
Gandalf: Right now, off you go. I should charge you the next time you try to get a free ride on my wagon.  
  
Frodo: Whatever. You don't scare me, you old man. (runs away frantically)  
  
PJ: And cut! That's a wrap.  
  
Gandalf (gets off the wagon): Right, where's that hobbit? I'll show him SCARED.! (runs after Frodo)  
  
PJ: Somehow, I think that antidepressant didn't work.oh man, what a headache.  
  
~End of Take 2~  
  
Take 3  
  
(Gandalf rides up to Bag End. He gets down from the wagon and comes through a small green gate which has a sign reading 'No admittance except on party business.' He stands in front of a door and then knocks the door with his staff. There was a loud crack and his staff broke.)  
  
PJ: I told you, not that hard!  
  
Gandalf: Well, I wouldn't know what you mean if I didn't try. Now I know. (Producer comes up and gives Gandalf a new staff)  
  
PJ: And don't break this one. Otherwise, I'd use it to break your head.  
  
Gandalf: Right. (gives a nervous laugh)  
  
Bilbo (from inside the hobbit hole): No, thank you! I don't want any more visitors, well-wishers, distant relations or pipeweed salesmen!!  
  
Gandalf: And what about a very old friend?  
  
Bilbo: Very old friend? I haven't got any very old friends. I only have a very, very, very old friend but not a very old friend.  
  
Gandalf: Just open the door, you muddled-up hobbit. It's Gandalf with a G.  
  
Bilbo (opens door): Gandalf! Of course, you're the one I'm talking about. (gives the wizard a hug)  
  
Gandalf: Right, very very very old eh?? Well, you're already one hundred and eleven years yourself. But then, (looks at Bilbo closely) you haven't aged a day.  
  
Bilbo: Right, don't make me blush in front of the camera.well, come on, come in..! Welcome. (takes Gandalf's hat and staff) I've got a few bottles of Winyard, what say we open one?  
  
Gandalf: Just tea, thank you. (turns around and frowns at the ceiling. He looks around and then smiles when he sees a handwritten sign that says 'bump here'. He hits his head there. ) Ow!!.Once an over-achiever, always an over-achiever.  
  
Bilbo: Right, so is that green tea, chamomile, earl grey, peach or red tea?  
  
Gandalf: Er..I think I'll take the earl grey, goes with my attire.  
  
(Bilbo goes to the kitchen to prepare tea)  
  
Bilbo (from kitchen): Wasn't expecting you so soon, I thought I could finish all the food first before you could come here. Alas, didn't turn out that way.Oh look I found a sponge cake. (holds up a washing sponge) Right, I can make you some eggs. You want them scrambled, sunny side up or half boiled.?  
  
Gandalf: Just tea. I'm on a diet.  
  
Bilbo: Right (eats some cake and then a knock came on the door.)  
  
Female voice: Bilbo!! Bilbo Baggins!  
  
Bilbo: I'm not at home!!  
  
Gandalf (shouts): Bilbo says he's not at home!  
  
Bilbo: I've got to get away from these confounded relatives, hanging on the bell all day, never giving me a moment's peace. (eats his cake) I want to see the mountains again, Gandalf. And then find somewhere quiet where I can finish my book... Oh right, tea! (takes out a teapot and pours Gandalf some tea)  
  
Gandalf: Well, can't help you there, old chum. (drinks his tea) Nice tea, this. But you do have a plan?  
  
Bilbo: Yes, yes. All the arrangements are made. Oh look! I found another sponge cake (holds up another washing sponge and waves it about)  
  
Gandalf: Frodo suspects something.  
  
Bilbo: Well, of course he does. I wrote him a letter about this last week, but I think he lost it. Then I left signs all over the Shire saying that I'm departing soon, but forgot to leave my name on them. Sigh.  
  
Gandalf: But you will tell him? He's very fond of you. And me too. (grins)  
  
Bilbo: Right, well, he's always so indecisive. Anyway, I think he'll come along if I ask him so I'm glad I didn't. But I'm old, Gandalf. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel thin. Sort of stretched, like butter, scraped over too much bread. Like this bread. (sees a slice of bread and eats it) I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return.  
  
Gandalf: Now, now, no need to be drastic. So when are you leaving?  
  
Bilbo: Very soon.  
  
Gandalf: Why not now?  
  
Bilbo: Can't, I've got my birthday to celebrate. Are you driving me away? (narrows his eyes)  
  
Ganalf: Who? Me? Of course not. (grins) Here, have some tea with me.  
  
Bilbo: Why not? Would you like some sponge cake with that? (grins back)  
  
~End of Take 3~  
  
Take 4  
  
PJ (scowling): Aha! (snatches packet of nachos from Pippin and Merry) I knew it would be you two. (looks at the empty packet) Oh for the love of the Shire, you've finished it all! The Balrog take you!!  
  
Merry and Pippin: Yipes!! (Balrog appears with wings and all, and grabbed them)  
  
PJ (frowning and pointing at the Balrog): No, no, it's just a figure of speech, you beast! And who told you you could play around with wings? Then again.they do make you look better. Right, anywho, go stand somewhere until you're needed.  
  
(Balrog puffed a cloud of fiery smoke through its nostrils and lumbered away. Merry and Pippin heaved a sigh of relief.)  
  
PJ (shouting): Okay, places!!  
  
(Scene shows the night of the Bilbo's party. Bilbo and Gandalf are sitting on a hill smoking pipeweed.) Bilbo: Old Toby. The finest weed in the Southfarthing.  
  
Gandalf: Yes, I know.it's turning me into an addict.  
  
(Bilbo blows a smoke ring, and Gandalf puffs and blows a ship that goes through it)  
  
Bilbo (frowns): Blimey! Now how did you do that?  
  
Gandalf: I don't know. Some people messing around with special effects, I suppose.  
  
Bilbo (sniggles): Gandalf, my old friend, this will be a night to remember.  
  
(Beautiful fireworks go off in the night sky. There were lots of cheering and hobbits were dancing, enjoying themselves at Bilbo's party)  
  
PJ (looks at script): Okay, Frodo, Sam and Rosie. You're up!  
  
Rosie: Right, tell me something Mr Director man Sir, whether this frock of mine looks good, I don't think it does. (frowns)  
  
Sam (smiling): I think you look great, Rosie!  
  
Rosie (beams): Okay, you're the best, Sam! (They run off)  
  
PJ (sighs and scratches his beard): Am I even needed here? Do I even exist here? Am I even respected here??  
  
A random hobbit from the party: Hey, this isn't real ale!  
  
(Frodo was seen dancing the funky hobbit chicken dance)  
  
Frodo: I feel so stupid.sigh.the things I have to do for entertainment.  
  
(Sam watches Rosie dancing and then sip his ale)  
  
Frodo (comes up to Sam): Go on, Sam ask Rosie for a dance.  
  
Sam (grunts): I think I'll just have another ale.  
  
Frodo (grabs Sam): Oh no you don't. (pushes him to Rosie and Sam crashed into Rosie and they both fell to the floor, rubbing their sore heads)  
  
Frodo: Whoa, this does not look the least bit good, I'll just scoot. (runs off)  
  
(Gandalf sets off some fireworks and Bilbo was seen telling some hobbit children a story)  
  
Bilbo (his eyes wide with amazement) : So there I was, at the mercy of three monstrous trolls. And they were all arguing amongst themselves about how they were going to cook us. Whether it be turned on a spit, or whether they should sit on us one by one and squash us. (A hobbit kid gasps)  
  
Another hobbit kid: Ouchies! That would hurt.  
  
Bilbo: You bet it would. Now be quiet, I'm talking here. (The hobbit kid sticks his tongue out at Bilbo) And they spent so much time arguing, that the sun's first light crept over the top of the trees -poof- !! (Hobbit kids gasp aloud)  
  
Bilbo: And turned them all to stone!  
  
Merry and Pippin (jumping for joy): Oh boy, oh boy, we're up soon..!  
  
(Gandalf takes out some fireworks from a wagon in a tent, laughs and walks off. As he leaves, Merry and Pippin peeps and then come out from behind a tent.)  
  
Pippin: Quickly! (Merry gives Pippin a boost up onto Gandalf's wagon. Pippin crashes onto the firework crackers. Meanwhile, Gandalf is letting off some butterfly fireworks for some hobbit children)  
  
Pippin: Oh okie! This one is like all rainbow colored and pretty!  
  
Merry: No, you took! The big one, big one.! (gets excited)  
  
(Pippin holds up a dragon shaped cracker and they gasped at it. They scrambled back into the tent. Pippin lights the cracker.)  
  
Pippin: Done!  
  
Merry: You're supposed to stick it in the ground. (pushes the cracker back to Pippin)  
  
Pippin: It is in the ground. (Pushes it back to Merry, who pushes it back to Pippin)  
  
Merry: No, it's not! (They continue pushing the lit firework back and forth)  
  
Pippin: Is to.  
  
Merry: It's supposed to be outside, you took!  
  
Pippin: How would I know that? You didn't tell me in the first place.  
  
Merry: Why do I have to tell you EVERYTHING?!?!  
  
Pippin: Because this was your idea! Hey, isn't it supposed to go off already? (Cracker goes off, and Merry and Pippin are both thrown to the ground, their faces blackened. The fireworks from the cracker then turns into a fiery 'dragon'. The hobbits scream and run away from it.)  
  
Frodo: Jeepers!! Bilbo, look out for the dragon. (grabs his uncle)  
  
Bilbo: What dragon? (looks at the sky) I say, that is some dragon. I ain't scared of no dragon. Come on, come on.give me all you've got. (starts throwing punches with hobbit fists)  
  
Frodo (rolls his eyes): Oh.I don't think I want to be old. (pulls Bilbo to the ground as the 'dragon' swoops down and then it burst in the distance and filled the sky with fireworks. Hobbits cheer.)  
  
Bilbo: Ah, that was good, I sure scared it out of the sky. (beams with pride)  
  
Frodo: Yes.very impressive (gives a wry smile)  
  
Merry: Wow, that was good.  
  
Pippin: Yeah, we should get another. Do you think Gandalf will know?  
  
Merry: What makes you think he can tell? (turns to Pippin) Say, how come your face is as black as a Crebain?  
  
(Gandalf comes up and pulls them by the ears)  
  
Gandalf: Meriadoc Bran.(stops and takes a long hard look at Merry and Pippin's blackened faces) I think I know, but I'm not sure. Anywho, you two have to be punished. Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with fireworks?  
  
Pippin: She did, but that was last year. She didn't say it this year. (grins)  
  
Gandalf (puts hands on hips and frowns): You'll be the death of me one day.  
  
Pippin: Great, when will that be, I wonder? (ponders)  
  
PJ: And Cut!! (points to Pippin) You do not say that to a wizard.  
  
Pippin: Wizard? Where?  
  
(Gandalf hits Pippin on the head with his staff and he collapsed on the ground, all groggy) Gandalf: There, that should keep him quiet. Now where did the other hobbit go to?  
  
~End of Take 4~ 


End file.
